Well my son is turning 4 tomorrow. Let me tell you if you had have asked me 6 years ago if I would be a mother of 1 let alone 2 kids at the age of 26 I would have laughed in your face. I've always loved babies, but I loved the fact I could give them back even more. So then I got pregnant FREAKED the fuck out, had panic attacks almost daily about what kind of mother I was going to be and was my kid going to love me and what if I didn't love my kid? All of which are natural fears by the way. (So if your reading this and you are pregnant, and had those thoughts, don't worry it's normal).
The thing is YES my kid's love me they have the unconditional love you always want from anyone, and even though at times I question that they love me, that's my insecurities and my problem, because they love me through and through. As soon as I felt my son move around inside me I knew I loved him more than I could even imagine in my wildest dreams. And although my daughter isn't biologically mine and we fight all the time, I love her like I felt her move inside me too, nothing will break the bond I have with my children and nothing can or ever will sway my love for them.
That being said, the one other question that plagued me while I was pregnant was "what kind of mother will I be"? Well I'm still trying to figure that out. I explained to my daughter yesterday that I was still learning to be a mother, and that I will never stop learning to be a mother, when she's 40 and I'm 53 (wow) I'll still be learning to be a mother. My own mother just yesterday emailed me and told me it's much harder being a mother to an adult, because there's so many thing's you want to do, can't do, and thing's your resented for. Which really makes you think, "holy shit I'm not just a parent until my kids turn 18, I'm a parent until the end", which of course subconsciously we know anyway but thrown in your face it tends to give you perspective.
Now I'm not your conventional "stay at home mother" is there even really one of those anymore? But I'm not the "new age" mum either. I don't want to slot into any particular category. I stay at home with my kid's, we do "activities", I take JK to the park, I bake cookies, and do PTA meetings, I volunteer at the school, I do coupons at the grocery store and cook healthy meals for dinner, I clean the house everyday; I also have my children's names tattooed on an arm that's almost sleeved out, My son loves to play with my piercings, I go out and hang with friends 2-3 nights a week and have friends over at the house, my daughter asked me to come to her school and talk about Australia, my daughter's gaydar is as finely tuned as mine, my children don't stare at heavily tattooed, pierced, dread locked, shaved headed, punk rocker, metal head, Asians, African Americana's, Hispanics. My kid's are open to everyone and don't judge because as their mother I safely expose them to these different cultures and sub-culture, and my kid's are all the richer for it. I'm agnostic, but my daughter is catholic, I encourage her to go to church and religion class every week.
I just want to be able to raise my children so they grow into socially respectable (I don't care what they look like), responsible, morally intact, honest, hardworking, valued members of society. I want my kids to be able to come to me and talk to me about anything that may be plaguing their minds; if it be about sex, drugs, boys, girls, school work, legal issues (lol), or anything. I've figured (thanks to my mother being such a wonderful mother to me) that if you keep the lines of communication open and you listen with out judgement your children are more inclined to talk to you about problems and possibilities and less inclined to sneak around and hide thing's from you. That's not to say they're still not going to make mistakes. My daughter has been found being sneaky and doing wrong thing's owned up to them was disciplined and moved on from that, I have always and will always make sure my children know that to matter the mistake they make mistakes are OK to make, and that they just need to learn from them. I am open and honest with my children when they have a question to ask, I always try to answer honestly so that they are open with me. There;'s also the possibility that they may learn from the lessons I have learnt.
So upon reflection, I think I can say I shouldn't have been worried about what kind of mother I was going to be because in that sense I will you can't BE something when your are constantly evolving, however I can say that I believe even though I make mistakes and yell and cuss that I am a damn good mother, and I have damn good kids.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Family for a thought
Ok, so I just got done watching "Brothers"... It really got me thinking about family. Not like extended family or who you married into, but the family you were born into.
Now it's no secret that I come from a.....well different family situation. I have my mum, my sister, and now my mum's boyfriend who is my "dad". My mum is the most amazing woman I have and will ever have the pleasure of knowing, if you want the definition of strong it is my mother, if you want to know how love feels my mother can show you; I have never had to doubt my mothers love for me or the lengths she would go to, to protect me. My sister and I are not so close anymore, we weren't as children and for a brief and wonderful stint we were as adults, but appear to have drifted apart. And my "dad", well lets just say he is an amazing man and I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the last 6 years alive with out his love and support.
As a child I grew up not really knowing my grandparents, on either my mum or my biological dad's side of the family. I mean I knew them, but as I got older I guess you could say their interest in getting to know me dropped off and we somewhat "fell out".
I recall stopping seeing my dad by age 4 I think, but prior to that our visits were somewhat sporadic at best and less the "fun" or "loving". I vaguely remember his side of the family however I do have fond memories of my great grandnana and her teaching me to shine an apple before I eat it, to this day over 23 years later when I shine an apple I still think of her. My Nana (bio dad's mum) was I guess a good Nana while I was a child, however when it became an effort to continue a relationship with my sister and I she gave up, aunts uncles and cousins from that side of the family were never really present, and if they were it was on such small scale that I either don't remember or don't care to remember. My view on that to this day, is basically they made their bed, and it's really no skin off my nose, they are less than desirable people to have in ones life and not necessarily because they act like assholes, but more because trash is in their blood.
Now my mothers side of the family, is well I'm not even sure there is a word in the english (or any for that matter) language that could describe this lot! It's not my business to air what kind of person my "pa" was in his earlier years, needless to say he has grown into a religiously self righteous asshole in his later years. "Nana" well she's not even my real Nana. 2 uncles aren't my blood, I have 1 blood uncle. My mother and my blood uncle have basically been written off in the eyes of my Nana and pa. Now my pa is a man who discontinued a relationship with is grand daughter due to an argument over training horses, and the fact that he felt he was being disrespected. Now this is a man who constantly made you feel as though you were never good enough and never would be, no matter how much you tried or the knowledge you had gained, he would always be more worldly and knowledgeable. I literally had no contact with this man or his wife for 5 years.
I fell pregnant with my son, and decided perhaps it was time to "bury the hatchet" with the "family"... I would have done better to go scream in a deaf persons ear or possibly find a dead horse and figuratively beat it... I was told "good luck I hope it all comes out well". I was then informed by my sister that I was thought to be a cold disrespectful person, and due to some of the decisions I have made and the way I choose to live my life they will never accept me as part of their family again, oh and that my step daughter will never be thought of or accepted as family. WOW!!! So you mean to tell me you can abandon your blood, ALL of your blood your daughter your son 1 of your 2 grand daughters and from what I understand all off your blood grandsons, not care when your first great blood grandchild is born and not accept an unrelated great grandchild because she isn't blood, well I'm sorry you MIGHT be a piece of shit. Especially when you have nothing but time and copious amount's of love for the step children and step grandchildren. Hell I and my mother have been written out of the will and MY kids were never in the will!!!
But you know what it's ok, I'm not hurt, I am angry but I'm not hurt, I'm angry because all of those people I've just listed didn't fail me, you can't fail someone you don't know right!!! I am angry because THEY failed to get to know me, they missed out on me and my children, they missed out on who I grew into as a woman and as a mother. I can't be hurt at that; their actions had an indirect result in who I became. Not to mention as the strong woman I am and the fierce and protective mother I have become, I have absolutely no desire to introduce my innocent children to the likes of these people who did leave a negative impact on me. My one burning question that I have, and I know it will never be answered because my pride will never let me ask it; but this is my question: What exactly were the choices I made that were so bad? was it the fact that I tattooed and pierced my body, was it the fact that I married a man and moved to the USA, or was it the fact that I chose not to allow you to dictate my life and how I want to live it. Because the choices I made and the way I live my life isn't all that extraordinary if you ask me. Ok so I've done nearly every drug under the sun, I've also been clean from all drugs for 5 years now, is it the fact that I stopped drinking alcohol at 19? I have many tattoo's and piercings, well that's my exterior, and holds no value to me as a person on the inside. Who I am now is a strong woman, a woman with pride a woman that wont settle for anything less than her expectations, a woman who is a mother to 2 children and would go to any length she needed to protect them from ever feeling what she had to feel, a woman who uses wit and humor on a daily basis to cover the insecurities THEY helped to give her.
So I guess I'm confused as to why I seem to be such an awful disappointment to these people. What bothers me more though is why do I care so much, these people have been awful to me and I would never allow them around my children as to avoid the negative way the seem to impact people.... So why do I care? Maybe it's a deep seeded obsession I have with needing approval? What ever it is I hope one day I get closure on it and I can move on, because bottom line is I'm evidently a bigger and better person at 26 than they than they are now, in their "golden years".
Now it's no secret that I come from a.....well different family situation. I have my mum, my sister, and now my mum's boyfriend who is my "dad". My mum is the most amazing woman I have and will ever have the pleasure of knowing, if you want the definition of strong it is my mother, if you want to know how love feels my mother can show you; I have never had to doubt my mothers love for me or the lengths she would go to, to protect me. My sister and I are not so close anymore, we weren't as children and for a brief and wonderful stint we were as adults, but appear to have drifted apart. And my "dad", well lets just say he is an amazing man and I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the last 6 years alive with out his love and support.
As a child I grew up not really knowing my grandparents, on either my mum or my biological dad's side of the family. I mean I knew them, but as I got older I guess you could say their interest in getting to know me dropped off and we somewhat "fell out".
I recall stopping seeing my dad by age 4 I think, but prior to that our visits were somewhat sporadic at best and less the "fun" or "loving". I vaguely remember his side of the family however I do have fond memories of my great grandnana and her teaching me to shine an apple before I eat it, to this day over 23 years later when I shine an apple I still think of her. My Nana (bio dad's mum) was I guess a good Nana while I was a child, however when it became an effort to continue a relationship with my sister and I she gave up, aunts uncles and cousins from that side of the family were never really present, and if they were it was on such small scale that I either don't remember or don't care to remember. My view on that to this day, is basically they made their bed, and it's really no skin off my nose, they are less than desirable people to have in ones life and not necessarily because they act like assholes, but more because trash is in their blood.
Now my mothers side of the family, is well I'm not even sure there is a word in the english (or any for that matter) language that could describe this lot! It's not my business to air what kind of person my "pa" was in his earlier years, needless to say he has grown into a religiously self righteous asshole in his later years. "Nana" well she's not even my real Nana. 2 uncles aren't my blood, I have 1 blood uncle. My mother and my blood uncle have basically been written off in the eyes of my Nana and pa. Now my pa is a man who discontinued a relationship with is grand daughter due to an argument over training horses, and the fact that he felt he was being disrespected. Now this is a man who constantly made you feel as though you were never good enough and never would be, no matter how much you tried or the knowledge you had gained, he would always be more worldly and knowledgeable. I literally had no contact with this man or his wife for 5 years.
I fell pregnant with my son, and decided perhaps it was time to "bury the hatchet" with the "family"... I would have done better to go scream in a deaf persons ear or possibly find a dead horse and figuratively beat it... I was told "good luck I hope it all comes out well". I was then informed by my sister that I was thought to be a cold disrespectful person, and due to some of the decisions I have made and the way I choose to live my life they will never accept me as part of their family again, oh and that my step daughter will never be thought of or accepted as family. WOW!!! So you mean to tell me you can abandon your blood, ALL of your blood your daughter your son 1 of your 2 grand daughters and from what I understand all off your blood grandsons, not care when your first great blood grandchild is born and not accept an unrelated great grandchild because she isn't blood, well I'm sorry you MIGHT be a piece of shit. Especially when you have nothing but time and copious amount's of love for the step children and step grandchildren. Hell I and my mother have been written out of the will and MY kids were never in the will!!!
But you know what it's ok, I'm not hurt, I am angry but I'm not hurt, I'm angry because all of those people I've just listed didn't fail me, you can't fail someone you don't know right!!! I am angry because THEY failed to get to know me, they missed out on me and my children, they missed out on who I grew into as a woman and as a mother. I can't be hurt at that; their actions had an indirect result in who I became. Not to mention as the strong woman I am and the fierce and protective mother I have become, I have absolutely no desire to introduce my innocent children to the likes of these people who did leave a negative impact on me. My one burning question that I have, and I know it will never be answered because my pride will never let me ask it; but this is my question: What exactly were the choices I made that were so bad? was it the fact that I tattooed and pierced my body, was it the fact that I married a man and moved to the USA, or was it the fact that I chose not to allow you to dictate my life and how I want to live it. Because the choices I made and the way I live my life isn't all that extraordinary if you ask me. Ok so I've done nearly every drug under the sun, I've also been clean from all drugs for 5 years now, is it the fact that I stopped drinking alcohol at 19? I have many tattoo's and piercings, well that's my exterior, and holds no value to me as a person on the inside. Who I am now is a strong woman, a woman with pride a woman that wont settle for anything less than her expectations, a woman who is a mother to 2 children and would go to any length she needed to protect them from ever feeling what she had to feel, a woman who uses wit and humor on a daily basis to cover the insecurities THEY helped to give her.
So I guess I'm confused as to why I seem to be such an awful disappointment to these people. What bothers me more though is why do I care so much, these people have been awful to me and I would never allow them around my children as to avoid the negative way the seem to impact people.... So why do I care? Maybe it's a deep seeded obsession I have with needing approval? What ever it is I hope one day I get closure on it and I can move on, because bottom line is I'm evidently a bigger and better person at 26 than they than they are now, in their "golden years".
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Hhhhhhmmmmmmm the thoughts of a labryinth mind.....
So I'm very new to this blogging thing obviously.... but I think I need a creative outlet or I might go insane.
Lately I have come to realize just how buzzed my mind has become, it gets little to no rest; you know the feeling, like you have a tornado in your head of thoughts and it's spinning so fast that you just can't manage to pick even one thought out, just to finish thinking it through?
I sadly find myself sitting on FaceBook playing Bejewelled Blitz trying to go numb just for a few mins everyday. Hell I can't even seem to concentrate on reading these days.
So here goes I figure if I blog maybe just maybe I might be able to pull some of my thoughts out of my head and work through them somehow and some way.
I was literally just asked if I ever just wish I could switch off, to not think or feel but to just be comfortably numb for a while... wow yes I do. I think at some point we all do don't we? I carry around so much pain and hostility around from years of hurt and abuse that I just wish I could be numb and not feel anything, instead on a daily basis I am angry and hurt. The anger and hurt, turns into insecurity. Someone as insecure as myself finds it hard to accept anyones love. I fear my own children don't love but instead just need me, I don't questions my friends love for me because anything they do they do because they want to not because they are obligated to. And a man's love.... wow don't even get me started.... My thought process (and yes it's quite fucked up) is that basically if I don't accept your love for me I don't have to love you back and have my feelings hurt and my heart trampled on when it doesn't work.... because of course someone as insecure as me will never have a working relationship.
Often I sit and think, what is it I have done to where I became so messed up and pessamistic, such a downer on myself? Everytime I come to the same conclusion, maybe Rowena, YOU didn't do anyting to yourself, maybe it's OTHER people that inadvertently moulded you like this... The past is exactly that the past, but why can't I let it go? If I let if go maybe the "numb" feeling I chase so hard would flood over me and I'd be warm just for a minute. With that being said however I have a fear that if I let my anger go I wont know who I am as a person, my anger has been my drive for so many years and has gotten me through so many hard times, that I don't have it will I crumble? Will I be as strong as I am now? So I hold on to the anger for a bit longer and I get over the next hurdle, making me a little angrier the next time and so on and so fourth.
Wow there's some deep ramblings... maybe I can get some perspective, and maybe not, maybe this is just a good way to vent and no one will read it, either way.....
Lately I have come to realize just how buzzed my mind has become, it gets little to no rest; you know the feeling, like you have a tornado in your head of thoughts and it's spinning so fast that you just can't manage to pick even one thought out, just to finish thinking it through?
I sadly find myself sitting on FaceBook playing Bejewelled Blitz trying to go numb just for a few mins everyday. Hell I can't even seem to concentrate on reading these days.
So here goes I figure if I blog maybe just maybe I might be able to pull some of my thoughts out of my head and work through them somehow and some way.
I was literally just asked if I ever just wish I could switch off, to not think or feel but to just be comfortably numb for a while... wow yes I do. I think at some point we all do don't we? I carry around so much pain and hostility around from years of hurt and abuse that I just wish I could be numb and not feel anything, instead on a daily basis I am angry and hurt. The anger and hurt, turns into insecurity. Someone as insecure as myself finds it hard to accept anyones love. I fear my own children don't love but instead just need me, I don't questions my friends love for me because anything they do they do because they want to not because they are obligated to. And a man's love.... wow don't even get me started.... My thought process (and yes it's quite fucked up) is that basically if I don't accept your love for me I don't have to love you back and have my feelings hurt and my heart trampled on when it doesn't work.... because of course someone as insecure as me will never have a working relationship.
Often I sit and think, what is it I have done to where I became so messed up and pessamistic, such a downer on myself? Everytime I come to the same conclusion, maybe Rowena, YOU didn't do anyting to yourself, maybe it's OTHER people that inadvertently moulded you like this... The past is exactly that the past, but why can't I let it go? If I let if go maybe the "numb" feeling I chase so hard would flood over me and I'd be warm just for a minute. With that being said however I have a fear that if I let my anger go I wont know who I am as a person, my anger has been my drive for so many years and has gotten me through so many hard times, that I don't have it will I crumble? Will I be as strong as I am now? So I hold on to the anger for a bit longer and I get over the next hurdle, making me a little angrier the next time and so on and so fourth.
Wow there's some deep ramblings... maybe I can get some perspective, and maybe not, maybe this is just a good way to vent and no one will read it, either way.....
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