Ok, so I just got done watching "Brothers"... It really got me thinking about family. Not like extended family or who you married into, but the family you were born into.
Now it's no secret that I come from a.....well different family situation. I have my mum, my sister, and now my mum's boyfriend who is my "dad". My mum is the most amazing woman I have and will ever have the pleasure of knowing, if you want the definition of strong it is my mother, if you want to know how love feels my mother can show you; I have never had to doubt my mothers love for me or the lengths she would go to, to protect me. My sister and I are not so close anymore, we weren't as children and for a brief and wonderful stint we were as adults, but appear to have drifted apart. And my "dad", well lets just say he is an amazing man and I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the last 6 years alive with out his love and support.
As a child I grew up not really knowing my grandparents, on either my mum or my biological dad's side of the family. I mean I knew them, but as I got older I guess you could say their interest in getting to know me dropped off and we somewhat "fell out".
I recall stopping seeing my dad by age 4 I think, but prior to that our visits were somewhat sporadic at best and less the "fun" or "loving". I vaguely remember his side of the family however I do have fond memories of my great grandnana and her teaching me to shine an apple before I eat it, to this day over 23 years later when I shine an apple I still think of her. My Nana (bio dad's mum) was I guess a good Nana while I was a child, however when it became an effort to continue a relationship with my sister and I she gave up, aunts uncles and cousins from that side of the family were never really present, and if they were it was on such small scale that I either don't remember or don't care to remember. My view on that to this day, is basically they made their bed, and it's really no skin off my nose, they are less than desirable people to have in ones life and not necessarily because they act like assholes, but more because trash is in their blood.
Now my mothers side of the family, is well I'm not even sure there is a word in the english (or any for that matter) language that could describe this lot! It's not my business to air what kind of person my "pa" was in his earlier years, needless to say he has grown into a religiously self righteous asshole in his later years. "Nana" well she's not even my real Nana. 2 uncles aren't my blood, I have 1 blood uncle. My mother and my blood uncle have basically been written off in the eyes of my Nana and pa. Now my pa is a man who discontinued a relationship with is grand daughter due to an argument over training horses, and the fact that he felt he was being disrespected. Now this is a man who constantly made you feel as though you were never good enough and never would be, no matter how much you tried or the knowledge you had gained, he would always be more worldly and knowledgeable. I literally had no contact with this man or his wife for 5 years.
I fell pregnant with my son, and decided perhaps it was time to "bury the hatchet" with the "family"... I would have done better to go scream in a deaf persons ear or possibly find a dead horse and figuratively beat it... I was told "good luck I hope it all comes out well". I was then informed by my sister that I was thought to be a cold disrespectful person, and due to some of the decisions I have made and the way I choose to live my life they will never accept me as part of their family again, oh and that my step daughter will never be thought of or accepted as family. WOW!!! So you mean to tell me you can abandon your blood, ALL of your blood your daughter your son 1 of your 2 grand daughters and from what I understand all off your blood grandsons, not care when your first great blood grandchild is born and not accept an unrelated great grandchild because she isn't blood, well I'm sorry you MIGHT be a piece of shit. Especially when you have nothing but time and copious amount's of love for the step children and step grandchildren. Hell I and my mother have been written out of the will and MY kids were never in the will!!!
But you know what it's ok, I'm not hurt, I am angry but I'm not hurt, I'm angry because all of those people I've just listed didn't fail me, you can't fail someone you don't know right!!! I am angry because THEY failed to get to know me, they missed out on me and my children, they missed out on who I grew into as a woman and as a mother. I can't be hurt at that; their actions had an indirect result in who I became. Not to mention as the strong woman I am and the fierce and protective mother I have become, I have absolutely no desire to introduce my innocent children to the likes of these people who did leave a negative impact on me. My one burning question that I have, and I know it will never be answered because my pride will never let me ask it; but this is my question: What exactly were the choices I made that were so bad? was it the fact that I tattooed and pierced my body, was it the fact that I married a man and moved to the USA, or was it the fact that I chose not to allow you to dictate my life and how I want to live it. Because the choices I made and the way I live my life isn't all that extraordinary if you ask me. Ok so I've done nearly every drug under the sun, I've also been clean from all drugs for 5 years now, is it the fact that I stopped drinking alcohol at 19? I have many tattoo's and piercings, well that's my exterior, and holds no value to me as a person on the inside. Who I am now is a strong woman, a woman with pride a woman that wont settle for anything less than her expectations, a woman who is a mother to 2 children and would go to any length she needed to protect them from ever feeling what she had to feel, a woman who uses wit and humor on a daily basis to cover the insecurities THEY helped to give her.
So I guess I'm confused as to why I seem to be such an awful disappointment to these people. What bothers me more though is why do I care so much, these people have been awful to me and I would never allow them around my children as to avoid the negative way the seem to impact people.... So why do I care? Maybe it's a deep seeded obsession I have with needing approval? What ever it is I hope one day I get closure on it and I can move on, because bottom line is I'm evidently a bigger and better person at 26 than they than they are now, in their "golden years".
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