So I'm very new to this blogging thing obviously.... but I think I need a creative outlet or I might go insane.
Lately I have come to realize just how buzzed my mind has become, it gets little to no rest; you know the feeling, like you have a tornado in your head of thoughts and it's spinning so fast that you just can't manage to pick even one thought out, just to finish thinking it through?
I sadly find myself sitting on FaceBook playing Bejewelled Blitz trying to go numb just for a few mins everyday. Hell I can't even seem to concentrate on reading these days.
So here goes I figure if I blog maybe just maybe I might be able to pull some of my thoughts out of my head and work through them somehow and some way.
I was literally just asked if I ever just wish I could switch off, to not think or feel but to just be comfortably numb for a while... wow yes I do. I think at some point we all do don't we? I carry around so much pain and hostility around from years of hurt and abuse that I just wish I could be numb and not feel anything, instead on a daily basis I am angry and hurt. The anger and hurt, turns into insecurity. Someone as insecure as myself finds it hard to accept anyones love. I fear my own children don't love but instead just need me, I don't questions my friends love for me because anything they do they do because they want to not because they are obligated to. And a man's love.... wow don't even get me started.... My thought process (and yes it's quite fucked up) is that basically if I don't accept your love for me I don't have to love you back and have my feelings hurt and my heart trampled on when it doesn't work.... because of course someone as insecure as me will never have a working relationship.
Often I sit and think, what is it I have done to where I became so messed up and pessamistic, such a downer on myself? Everytime I come to the same conclusion, maybe Rowena, YOU didn't do anyting to yourself, maybe it's OTHER people that inadvertently moulded you like this... The past is exactly that the past, but why can't I let it go? If I let if go maybe the "numb" feeling I chase so hard would flood over me and I'd be warm just for a minute. With that being said however I have a fear that if I let my anger go I wont know who I am as a person, my anger has been my drive for so many years and has gotten me through so many hard times, that I don't have it will I crumble? Will I be as strong as I am now? So I hold on to the anger for a bit longer and I get over the next hurdle, making me a little angrier the next time and so on and so fourth.
Wow there's some deep ramblings... maybe I can get some perspective, and maybe not, maybe this is just a good way to vent and no one will read it, either way.....
No comments:
Post a Comment