Motherhood

Well my son is turning 4 tomorrow.  Let me tell you if you had have asked me 6 years ago if I would be a mother of 1 let alone 2 kids at the age of 26 I would have laughed in your face. I've always loved babies, but I loved the fact I could give them back even more. So then I got pregnant FREAKED the fuck out, had panic attacks almost daily about what kind of mother I was going to be and was my kid going to love me and what if I didn't love my kid? All of which are natural fears by the way. (So if your reading this and you are pregnant, and had those thoughts, don't worry it's normal).

The thing is YES my kid's love me they have the unconditional love you always want from anyone, and even though at times I question that they love me, that's my insecurities and my problem, because they love me through and through. As soon as I felt my son move around inside me I knew I loved him more than I could even imagine in my wildest dreams. And although my daughter isn't biologically mine and we fight all the time, I love her like I felt her move inside me too, nothing will break the bond I have with my children and nothing can or ever will sway my love for them.

That being said, the one other question that plagued me while I was pregnant was "what kind of mother will I be"? Well I'm still trying to figure that out. I explained to my daughter yesterday that I was still learning to be a mother, and that I will never stop learning to be a mother, when she's 40 and I'm 53 (wow) I'll still be learning to be a mother. My own mother just yesterday emailed me and told me it's much harder being a mother to an adult, because there's so many thing's you want to do, can't do, and thing's your resented for. Which really makes you think, "holy shit I'm not just a parent until my kids turn 18, I'm a parent until the end", which of course subconsciously we know anyway but thrown in your face it tends to give you perspective.

Now I'm not your conventional "stay at home mother" is there even really one of those anymore? But I'm not the "new age" mum either. I don't want to slot into any particular category. I stay at home with my kid's, we do "activities", I take JK to the park, I bake cookies, and do PTA meetings, I volunteer at the school, I do coupons at the grocery store and cook healthy meals for dinner, I clean the house everyday; I also have my children's names tattooed on an arm that's almost sleeved out, My son loves to play with my piercings, I go out and hang with friends 2-3 nights a week and have friends over at the house, my daughter asked me to come to her school and talk about Australia, my daughter's gaydar is as finely tuned as mine, my children don't stare at heavily tattooed, pierced, dread locked, shaved headed, punk rocker, metal head, Asians, African Americana's, Hispanics. My kid's are open to everyone and don't judge because as their mother I safely expose them to these different cultures and sub-culture, and my kid's are all the richer for it. I'm agnostic, but my daughter is catholic, I encourage her to go to church and religion class every week.


 I just want to be able to raise my children so they grow into socially respectable (I don't care what they look like), responsible, morally intact, honest, hardworking, valued members of society. I want my kids to be able to come to me and talk to me about anything that may be plaguing their minds; if it be about sex, drugs, boys, girls, school work, legal issues (lol), or anything. I've figured (thanks to my mother being such a wonderful mother to me) that if you keep the lines of communication open and you listen with out judgement your children are more inclined to talk to you about problems and possibilities and less inclined to sneak around and hide thing's from you. That's not to say they're still not going to make mistakes. My daughter has been found being sneaky and doing wrong thing's owned up to them was disciplined and moved on from that, I have always and will always make sure my children know that to matter the mistake they make mistakes are OK to make, and that they just need to learn from them. I am open and honest with my children when they have a question to ask, I always try to answer honestly so that they are open with me. There;'s also the possibility that they may learn from the lessons I have learnt.

So upon reflection, I think I can say I shouldn't have been worried about what kind of mother I was going to be because in that sense I will you can't BE something when your are constantly evolving, however I can say that I believe even though I make mistakes and yell and cuss that I am a damn good mother, and I have damn good kids.